I suppose to many the ringing in of the New Year is a special moment, celebrated with friends and family... full of love, laughter and fun. However, for me, that is most often not the case. See, holidays and celebrations just don't like me. If there is a bad thing that has happened in my life, it has almost always been between the months of Oct and Jan... prime holiday periods.
So while I wanted to start off the new year with a great post full of optimism and hope, that is not what I have to share. I celebrated tonight home alone, with only my online friends to keep me company (thank Linda and Liz). Afterwards I started crying and I've yet to stop but I felt inspired to put my thoughts to paper (yes, real paper full of teardrops). I haven't journaled my journey thru life much lately and I suppose its time to again. Keep reading if you wish...
Sitting here looking at the mirror
and what do I see
A face full of pain
staring at me
With tears streaming down
my cheek and chin
I wonder if they
are for me or him
Green eyes rimmed all red
shiny and bright
Full of memories
of every single night
An act of defiance I'm sure
my chin stuck out strong
'Cuz no one can know
how long it went on
2010 is a new year
and 20 have past
I am still waiting to feel
like I am not in a cast
When can I trust
and stop the fear
When will I know
that he cannot hear
Do I get the privelage
of saying goodbye
To the ghosts that haunt me
from one man's lie
I don't understand it
I was only a child
All grown up now
but still in the wild
God has escaped
and left me alone
Crazy they call me
no one of my own
Just me and my thoughts
troubling and deep
Does any see me
can you see why I weep
10 comments:
Yes sweet Sarah, I do SEE why you weep and you've now I am weeping with you girl!
You and I shall have to chat sometime as we have another something in common.
I am holding you tightly in my heart tonight as I head off to bed and hope that you drift off into a deep, peaceful sleep and awake refreshed. I believe that each tear that is shed brings about a little more healing.
My thoughts are with you Sarah love and if you ever feel like voice chatting, hit me up on Skype (bobbysgirlforever).
Love and hugs,
Linda XOXO
Okay, I messed up the first sentence, but I think you understand what I'm "trying" to say! See, I was a muddled mess too!
Hugs ...
i AM STILL SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN . AS MUCH FOR TODAY AS IN THE PAST. AND YES IT SEEMS THAT AFTER SO LONG SOME GETTING OVER IT SHOULD ARIVE, BUT THIS IS YOU AND IN YOUR OWN TIME. ALL I CAN SAY IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAID. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE NOW. IF ITS YOUR HUSBAND OR WORK OR WHAT EVER, ITS IN YOUR POWER TO BE HAPPY. QUIT WAITING FOR THEM TO BRING IT TO YOU.MAKE YOUR OWN PLANS AND STRIVE TO FILL THAT PART OF YOU THAT WAS BROKEN SO LONG AGO. TRUST THIS MY DEAR, IF YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND START LIVING IT HE WILL BE WONDERING WHAT YOUR UP TO AND WANT TO JOIN IN. LOVE YA MOM
BY THE WAY THE POEM IS BEAUTIFUL.
WELL DONE
Sara, love you girl. We've talked about all this before, and you know that I (we ;) am all ears, but mostly big, wide open arms for hugs.
Dang. We need to move closer.
Love ya, girl!
Oh Sara....it just makes me weep I missed you in the chat last night. You are such a great person, and your life is a beautiful testament to those who share it or not. A friend once told me during a discussion about my life that "life beats you up enough, why in the hell do you want to beat yourself up". I so got it when she said that, and just had to make myself look beyond what was holding me back...beating me up. No advice as to how I did it...I just did. I know you are such a strong person, and you wil find a way. We all love you, gurl...and will be here to bring you back to reality anytime you need it, LOL! Hugs
Sarah, reading your words made me realize that I could have written this myself many times in my life. Hugs girl and know if you need anyone to talk to my IM is always on Rockytoprebel. I am glad that we got to spend NYE together online and I am so glad that our paths have crossed through Connie. You are a wonderful person and I hope that in 2010 the tears are able to fade and a bright smile of hope take its place. Hugs my friend.
dang girlie, you need to come here and hang with me! Miss you.
Hey Sarah - the holidays are tough for me, too. There is so much pressure to have these great relationships, and not all of us do. I don't know your story of your past, but I know we share a lot of the same day to day struggles with our kids. I feel some connection with you I just wish I had a chance to get to know you more! Your poem is very heart wrenching, and I think that it was really good that you wrote it, on real paper covered with real tears. There is healing in that. And I don't believe there is such a thing as 'over it'. We can stop thinking about these things day to day, but there are always going to be time when we still grieve them ... and even if they are things that didn't happen around the holidays, all the media crap about family and love and togetherness just sheds a raw white light on those of us who may not have those things. And its OK to grieve. Its good to grieve. Its part of healing. And so is sharing.
I am totally rambling, but my hear just aches for you and I wanted you to know that event though we have only had a few changes to chat, I can tell you are amazing ... Just do what you do best, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, things will get better.
(((((Sarah))))))
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